youre lurking in front of me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
