A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
