I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
