seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
