OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
