fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
