totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
