I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
