Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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