i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
