Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Is Oprah even human
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
