On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
