he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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