the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
