gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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