I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
