He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
