Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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