you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
