who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
