Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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