The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
