I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
