Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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