Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize