youre lurking in front of me
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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