Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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