If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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