Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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