Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
how drunk are you?
Several
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
