remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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