I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
