I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
