At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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