dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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