I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
