Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
