Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
