you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
