o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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