I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
