You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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