Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
