you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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