I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
