I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize