i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We are two peas in an std pod
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize