Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's official drugs can't kill me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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