I think im going to throw up on grandma
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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