seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
