He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize