I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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