I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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