I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
