my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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