The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
