My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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