People in love make me want to vomit
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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