the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
