I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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